I still dream of him

In a few weeks, it’ll be a year since he left me. It seems almost unbelievable.

I’m doing pretty good, except he still haunts my dreams. I dream about him all the time. I usually can’t remember these dreams clearly when I wake up; only the leftover emotions. It’s always about him leaving, or being angry at me. It’s always hurtful and traumatic.

When will I find peace?

I’m going through the motions, I’m meeting guys, dating. But he still haunts me.

I think my problem is that I still blame everything on myself. I still feel that it should have worked, it would have worked, if only I hadn’t been so insecure and so scared of losing him. If I could have found peace, back then.

I don’t want this anymore. I want to be free of him, free to move on, meet someone else and finally be happy. But how can I, when I’m afraid I’ll just ruin the next relationship, too?

Reckless

I’ve been feeling a little weird, today. Kind of reckless. It’s hard to explain… I stayed in last night and was home alone all day, and when I’m alone like that for what feels like a long period of time I end up feeling weird. Or maybe it’s just hormones

I ended up writing back to tall yummy guy and telling him it was silly to stop seeing someone because I’m scared. I suggested we continue getting to know each other, without pressure. He responded with something about getting to know each other without pressure… as friends. I have to admit I feel stressed and all over the place, so I’m totally slowing down on the dating. It’s supposed to be fun! But I think I am too scared of getting involved, and the guys I meet make me feel like they want to get involved and I should give them an answer. I’ve been acting like such a guy, with my fear of commitment!

All that being said, tall yummy guy asked to hang out today and being in a reckless mood, the result is he is coming over to my place for drinks and then we are going out to my usual haunt. I know, I know bad idea… But I figure, he doesn’t know who the real me is. We’ve met in bars and restaurants, so far. My usual haunt is like, my world. I’ve been going there for a very long time. I love the people, the ambiance, the music. And when I dance there, it’s such an outlet! I can’t describe the feeling. It’s probably caused by the alcohol more than anything else, but still…

And on that note, I really should be getting ready. But I’m leaving you with a little something to dance to…

Scaredy cat

Well, I figured this being love day and all, it might be a good time to give you an update on the dating. After my bad date I only had one more date, last week. This is the tall yummy guy I mentioned, and this was our 3rd date. We kissed. But then I totally ran away. And a few days later, I blew him off.  I had no good reason other than I felt pressured and I totally panicked.

Actually, I think I ran because this could actually be a really good guy. Nothing like what I am used to. Someone who’s really into a relationship, who’s serious about it. I mean, as much as I loved my ex, and I know he really was into me, he had problems with the whole relationship thing, and perhaps somewhere deep inside I didn’t feel I deserved more.

I don’t know, I’m not sure what it really is. All I know is I get scared when guys get close. And with the guy I was seeing for a few months, I forced myself to stay, to not let fear rule me. And look where it got me… It’s kind of harder to convince myself not to bolt, now.

It’s a good thing Valentine’s day doesn’t bother me in the least, because this might be a depressing evening otherwise! But I never really celebrated it. I guess I never was with a guy who cared about it, and I never cared about it much either. So tonight I spent some time with my two furry, purry valentines and watched The Walking Dead.

I’ll leave you with a question: would you go out with someone who has financial problems?

Lemongrass, and beer-maple syrup salmon

I bought lemongrass last night, simply because I walked in front of it at the grocery store and I remembered that there was a recipe I made using lemongrass which was totally awesome. Unfortunately, at the moment, I can’t remember which recipe… Maybe tom yum goong? I have made it before, I just can’t remember if there wasn’t another lemongrass recipe. Oh well. While I think about it, can you tell me what your favorite lemongrass recipe is?

Speaking of recipes, just now I was looking for a recipe someone told me about and I stumbled upon something that I will most definitely make. Now, I haven’t tested it yet, but I mean, come on. Beer and maple syrup? On salmon? It can only be good.

Maple–Stout Glazed Salmon

Ingredients

Glaze

• 125 ml (1/2 cup) stout
• 60 ml (1/4 cup) maple syrup
• 30 ml (2 tablespoons) soy sauce
• 5 ml (1 teaspoon) whole-grain mustard

Salmon

• 675 g (1 1/2 lb) skinless salmon fillet, cut crosswise into 4 pieces
• Salt and pepper

Preparation

Glaze

• Place all ingredients in a saucepan and bring to a boil while stirring. Slowly reduce until syrupy. Let cool partially and refrigerate until chilled.

Salmon

• With the rack in the top position, preheat the broiler. Oil a baking dish or broiler pan.
• Arrange the salmon pieces on the baking dish and brush with the glaze. Season with salt and pepper.
• Broil until done to your liking, about 8 minutes depending on thickness.
• Serve with Barley Pilaf with Roasted Root Vegetables.

 

PS: this recipe comes from here: http://www.ricardocuisine.com/recipes/3119-maple–stout-glazed-salmon

Bad date

I think I’ve just had the worse date yet. What a disagreeable person! I mean, it’s ok if I’m not your type, I’ve got no problem with that but… Can’t you make at least an effort to spend a nice evening with me, if we’re on a date? Humph.

The guy said “Good luck” when we parted, a pretty obvious sign that he wasn’t interested. But not only that, he’s already deleted me from his contacts, and I’ve been back for about an hour. How about a “Thanks for the nice evening, unfortunately it won’t go further for me” sort of message, instead of erasing me without a word? I find that pretty arrogant when he was such a bad date. I guess part of me wanted to be the one to reject him, not the other way around. Yeah, I know, that’s petty. I just hate the feeling of rejection, especially when I kinda feel I am too good for him. It’s a weird mix of feelings, really.

Oh well, plenty of fish in the sea, right? This was my 4th date in as many days. I have to admit I’m pretty tired. Work has been getting really busy as well so it kinda feels like I’ve been burning the candle at both ends. I haven’t been accepting any new contacts on the dating site though, and I don’t think I will for a while. I’ll keep seeing the 2 or 3 guys I’ve been dating, and see where that goes.

I have a problem with this

This meme and a few others along the same line have been going around Facebook lately.

Fuck society indeed. This sort of message might just create the opposite problem. GAH. Is it not possible for people to promote the sexiness of curvy girls without putting down the skinnier ones? For fuck’s sake.

Yes, I agree, this society is sick, with so many girls suffering from negative self-image, eating disorders and what-not. I’m sure some guys are starting to be affected as well. It’s not good and it’s not healthy. And I know just how easy it is to fall into that pattern; I myself don’t always love my body. I want to be happy with myself and I wish this for all women as well.

But this image? It’s happened a few times already that I felt like I’m the ugly skinny girl in the picture everyone is talking about. All these people saying “Ewwww, that’s way too skinny, that’s so ugly!” I have to admit, my first reaction, my gut feeling, was that this is me they are calling ugly and disgusting. It didn’t feel good at all!

Yet this goes beyond just me. If I felt that way, other girls must as well. And this “trend” which is supposed to “fix” the super unrealistic notion of what a beautiful body should be, well it’s doing it wrong. Yes, promote how sexy curvy is. But don’t do it by calling something else less attractive.

Misunderstandings

Turns out I may have misunderstood Gorgeous Guy’s invitation Friday night; I think there were in fact other people involved. Too bad, if I had known, I would have joined the for a drink! As it is, I refused because I didn’t think being alone with this guy was a good idea. Oh well!

Speaking of misunderstanding, some people, sheesh! I added a new guy on the dating site and he sent me a first message, making a stupid joke with the nickname I use. It wasn’t offensive or anything, just kinda lame, and a bit irritating. But not a big deal. I responded with a stupid joke of my one: I said there was a non-written rule about making jokes with people’s names, and it was a good thing this wasn’t my real name. I added a smiley, which to me meant I was being silly. Then I went on to answer a question he had asked. Well turns out the guy was super susceptible. He replied with a comment like “I hate being a sheep and following society’s norms. Sorry to have offended you. A sense of humor is a great quality… Good look with your next prospects.” And he deleted me. lol!!! I mean shit, he talks about me not having a sense of humor? It’s ok if he didn’t like my answer, it was kinda lame too, but… leaving me with no chance at all to respond is really stupid. I’d have said I was joking and maybe we could have talked some more. Oh well, I’m pretty sure he’s not someone I want in my life.

I do admit that when stuff like that happens (because it does happen regularly, and maybe I AM more susceptible than I’d like to think), well it actually bothers me. I usually end up wondering if I said something wrong, if I’m too bitchy, too susceptible, too this or too that. I guess it’s silly; I shouldn’t question myself over someone else’s behavior, right? I know my own reaction, and I know the reasons. I was slightly irritated by his joke, mostly because I felt it was stupid and well, isn’t it a bit rude to make fun of someone’s nickname in a first ever message to that person? Or is it just me?

At least this sort of stuff makes me think and if I’m lucky, I’ll understand something about myself a little bit better.

When things don’t go as planned…

I had a super busy weekend planned, with a date on Thursday night, a date on Friday night, a friend’s birthday party on Saturday night and another date on Sunday night… But yesterday, my Friday and Sunday dates suddenly got cancelled! To be fair, they both had what sounded like genuine and reasonable excuses, so I simply told them it was fine and we’d plan something else another time. Friday night was to be a first meeting, and Sunday was with the guy I met last weekend.

To be honest, last night, when Friday night guy cancelled, I was very fine with it. A first meeting always makes me very nervous, so not going was much easier than summoning my courage and getting out there! Also, the weather sucked and well, with such a busy weekend, it was a good feeling to have a night for myself! I took advantage of it to do my nails… lol

The unexpected free night also brought on a new temptation. There is this guy I know who I find very hot. He is recently single; I know his ex. Well he invited me over. Just me. At first I refused, telling him I had plans. And well, it’s a good indication of how tempted I was that when my date cancelled, I told this guy that my plans got cancelled… So he said, well, come over! I ended up resisting; I realized that this was totally off my current path of dating around. I want to be invited on dates, I want to feel courted and wanted by guys, not just go over and have sex with them. It seemed wrong and I would have kind of felt bad for the guys I’m dating, too. I already feel kinda guilty dating around, when a guy shows real interest…

All that being said, I did have a date on Thursday night. A first meeting. Gorgeous guy, an athlete. Tall and handsome, yum! We were in a bar though and had a really hard time hearing each other. Still, we had a good time so he’ll definitely get a second date. He told me he wants to see me again; he even said he had met an angel. Awww… if he only knew about the horns!

This does bring something to mind: when I was with him at the bar, he paid my first drink. When the waiter came by for our second order, I said “Am I allowed to pay this time?” Honestly, I meant my own drink but my date understood that I meant his, too, and when I realized this, I could not correct him… right? But it was fine, really, I didn’t mind at all. I paid for our drinks, and he paid the last round. The guy I met the previous Friday let me pay all my own drinks, and the one I met last Sunday paid my coffee. So here’s what I’d like to discuss: when on a date, should the guy always pay? How do you feel about this? I ALWAYS take out my wallet because I do not want to simply assume they will pay for me… What about you? How do you go about this?

Easy, delicious pan-fried fish

I love everything fish and seafood and I often opt for fish & chips when eating out. I’ve always wanted to make some at home. I don’t own a deep-fryer though, but that’s just fine, I’ve found a super easy, super quick, super yummy fish recipe that’s a go-to recipe of mine.

This recipe calls for panko, which is Japanese breadcrumbs. I’ve found it at the grocery store but frankly, I don’t find it worth the trouble. Just keep your baguette leftovers and put them through a food-processor or blender when they’re nice and dry, and voilà, you’ve got your breadcrumbs.

For the fish, I’ve tried different kinds over time. Go with whatever white fish you like, though when I tried with cod the pieces of fish tended to come apart. Still delicious though…

For the sauce, I’ve never bothered to make the recommended tartar sauce recipe. Instead, I mix half plain yogurt, half mayonnaise, squeeze in a bit a lime juice, and add  freshly ground pepper to taste. Hmmmm!

 

Golden Pan-Fried Fish

Ingredients:

• 2 pounds 1 1/2-inch-thick halibut
• 1 3 1/2-ounce package panko (Japanese breadcrumbs; 1 1/2 cups)*
• 1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh Italian parsley
• 2 teaspoons coarse kosher salt
• 2 teaspoons finely grated lemon
• 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
• 3 large egg whites
• 1/4 cup dark ale or non-alcoholic (such as O’Doul’s)
• 3 tablespoons (or more) extra-olive oil

Preparation:

Cut fish into 4×1 1/4-inch rectangular Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Combine next 5 ingredients in large bowl.

Whisk egg whites and ale in medium bowl. Add fish to ale mixture and turn to coat; shake off excess, then turn fish in panko mixture to coat all sides. Place on plate.

Heat 3 tablespoons oil in large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add half of fish sticks. Cook until golden and just opaque in center, about 2 minutes per side. Repeat with remaining fish sticks, adding more oil to skillet as necessary. Transfer fish to paper towels; sprinkle with salt and pepper. Serve immediately with tartar sauce.

 

PS – This recipe is from my absolute favorite cooking website, Epicurious: http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Golden-Pan-Fried-Fish-350404

More dating

Well, it’s been a busy weekend. I met 2 new guys. First one, a really nice guy but I didn’t feel attracted at all. I had a good time, we talked and laughed, but meh. He walked me back to my building (he was parked nearby) and said “Hey, let’s do this again?” I couldn’t just say “Hmm no I don’t think so.” Right? So I said “Sure!”

The next day he messaged me, saying he had had a good time and hoped we could do this again. I said, I had a good time as well but that for me, it wouldn’t go any further. I HATE being in this position. I think it’s the one thing that makes me dread dating so much. I’m more afraid of having to reject a guy than being rejected. Which in itself is interesting… It seems I kinda assume I will not be rejected. And my experience is… I’m not rejected. Usually, that happens later, like with New Guy. I guess I’m doing it wrong?

But anyway. I met another guy today. This one, I find sort of cute, and super nice. He’ll have a second date, I think. Aside from him, there are 2 or 3 other guys that want to meet me this week. And New Guy actually emailed me today, he wants to know how I’m doing. I told him I’m doing great.