On a different note…

This little guy rocks my world.

Call me easy, but I can pull 3, 4, even 5 orgasms out of this thing within about 5 minutes.

Who needs a boy?

Shift

Maybe all the unloading I’ve been doing on this blog has helped. I feel as though something has shifted inside of me within the last few days. I am no longer pining over him.

I mean, I’m still hurt, I still feel sad over what could have been and I am still mourning the idea I had of us. But I don’t feel like convincing him to come back, anymore. I’m realizing that I don’t want to deal with the way he deals with things. I don’t believe in his way. I don’t trust his way, I don’t feel it works. I’ve always felt he was running from things, avoiding them. Maybe it wasn’t exactly how it went, but it’s how I felt about it. When we had a problem, he immediately needed space. That was always his response: “I need space.” Fair enough…  but he never came back after to resolve things. He’d withdraw because he needed space, and that would be that. It’s not how I believe a couple should work things out. His way is an individualistic way. I wanted a team way, I wanted us to be partners.

I always thought I could make him see this, I could make him realize things would work better my way, and it’s why I stayed so long. I thought it was easy, to open up to the one you love, to be partners, to tear down the wall between us. I tried to make it be this way, it made him fight it all the more.

And maybe it was my problem, and not his. Maybe I’m the one who could never accept his way of dealing with things. Maybe if I had, things would have worked out. Or maybe it was simply a huge incompatibility. I don’t really know. All I know is, I give up. There is no more fight left in me, and I don’t want to fight anymore.