This is me being lazy: get back from work, lift shirt up, *click*.
Enjoy! I won’t be around next week, but I’ll be back the week after and I’ll try to put a little more effort into my HNT pictures 
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I’m a weird creature sometimes. Seems like I enjoy complicating my life. I like being friendly with people, and that includes guys. But if they read more into my friendliness and I’m not interested in more, I absolutely agonize over maybe hurting their feelings. I was discussing this with a friend the other day and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s practically a phobia, saying no to a guy. It would be much easier to use evasion techniques such as, “I’m not ready” or “I’m interested in someone else”… But if a guy has the courage to come up to me and express interest, the least I can do is show respect and be straightforward and truthful. No matter how hard. That’s my take on it, anyway.
I don’t know if it’s that hard for everybody or if I’m just weird?
It doesn’t help that I’m still a wreck over my breakup and that any guy approaching me right now pretty much causes the “deer caught in headlights” reaction. I haven’t so much as kissed a guy since he broke up with me, I think it’s a big step. I know I’ve talked about men a lot and I actually seem to have quite a few possibilities. But I don’t know, right now I’m all talk, no action. Like I said, I’m a wreck.
And dammit, I’ve had a headache all day and it just won’t quit.
My mother’s cousin messaged me yesterday because he still has a cookbook that belongs to my ex. He said “I still have your boyfriend’s book, I can give it back whenever.” Totally threw me into a funk. I had to write back and explain that he’s not my boyfriend anymore, and maybe to contact him directly about the book. Hell, that was last night and I still feel crushed.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m much better than I was. We’ve settled almost everything. The only thing left is, well, I had him give me back the Fort and now I’m at a loss as to what to do with it… It’s not like I can use it, and I don’t think any new guy of mine would likely want to wear something like that if it belonged to someone else. So I’ve decided to give it back (yes, I know, I’m terrible!) and so that’s the last thing to “settle”, he’s got to come pick it up or I have to go drop it off. Otherwise, I really do think all’s been said and done. It helps: I have no reason or excuse to contact him.
Yesterday I was looking for some paper and I stumbled upon a contract I had made for him. It was supposed to be a kinky contract but reading it, I found it terrible. I was totally trying to “fix” some of our issues with some stupid rules. God, but we were bad at talking. Or maybe it was all me; I’ve accused him time and time again of shutting me out, closing himself up like an oyster, but I think I actually do it. I was chatting with a friend of mine later last night and he started talking about my breakup and my hurt feelings and his feelings when his ex left and I totally shut down. I guess that conversation is also why I feel crushed today…
But today’s just a so-so day. I do get some good ones, which is much more than I could say a few weeks back.
Baby steps.
Another day, another night out. It’s been a crazy weekend, and the worse part is I’m really tame compared to half my friends I just got home, it’s almost 5 am, and some of them were all getting together to keep partying. Maybe I should feel good for being reasonable?
But what’s reasonable? I go out and party, drink, dance, flirt… Well, OK, I don’t know if I really flirt. I mean, I don’t think I mean it. You know? All talk, no action.
Last night, I started talking with this guy who was next to us and well, I’m friendly. I LIKE talking to random people in bars, what can I say? Now I have his phone number and we’ve been texting. Uh. He was supposed to maybe come out with us tonight, but he had a party, and last I heard he was having a bbq (yes, at almost 5 am) and he said he would have liked to party with me tonight. But… I’m not interested, not that way. I just like being friendly.
And now here I am, unable to sleep, blogging when I probably shouldn’t, chatting with this ex fling of mine who’s talking about doing dirty stuff with my laptop… Ah, there was also a guy tonight who asked me if I was still single. I said I had only been single for 3 months but what I really wanted to say was: I still love my ex.
Yeah, this kinda sucks. I better try and sleep.
Wow. It’s all I can say, really. I just got back home from a night out with a girlfriend of mine. We went to a pub, but ended up making friends with this bunch of people from all over the place. I say “all over the place” because some were Swedish, some French, etc. Nice people, really.
My friend and I followed them to this club though and this is where I say “wow”. I’m just not used to this kind of place. I go out every weekend, yes, but almost always to the same spot, the kind where “everybody knows your name”. The place we went to tonight though… Well it was gross. One of the girls we had just met was really pretty and I felt I had to protect her, tell the guys to back off. One guy actually came up to me and asked if she was my friend. Not knowing what else to say (I had just met her) I said yes, and he gave me the thumbs up. I almost told him to go fuck himself. I mean, what kind of a guy comes up to a girl to tell her her friend is really hot? Screw you.
Anyway… All in all, it was a fun night, but so different. This isn’t what I am used to. Not at all.
It’s one of those “I feel sad” kind of days when I bury myself into a book to forget.
I miss him.
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There are things I’m just not good at. Plants, for instance. I totally have black thumbs – I kill them. I have a few now, I like how they add life to my place, and I’m hoping I’ll learn enough, quickly enough, to keep them.
Boys is another thing I’m not good at. I mean, I’m not good at telling what they think about me. With my ex, this translated to always questioning whether he loved me or not, which obviously caused problems. And now, what it translates to is I can’t tell whether a guy is showing interest in me or not. I mentioned this recently, I said I needed a manual. And I was serious. What does a guy generally do when he’s interested in a girl? If a guy sends me a message on Facebook, offering to hang out, does that mean anything? If a guy comments to most of my wall posts, does that mean anything?
And what does it mean that I feel… blank? The guy who offered to hang out? I said I’d keep it in mind. When asked by my girlfriend what I think about him, I can do no more than shrug: I don’t know. I wouldn’t mind hanging out, but I’m afraid of leading him on, hurting his feelings. I guess it’s just too soon. Yet even my ex is starting to get just a shrug out of me.
I think too much…
Last night I had a fucked up dream, but I can barely remember it now. All I know is there was a guy. And sex, I think. I can’t remember who he was. Someone I know, I think. Then I woke up, and half dreamed, half imagined going to the club I went to last Saturday, on my own, and picking up guys, bringing them home. It’d be easy, the club is 2 streets from here. And it’s totally a pickup place. Meat-market kinda place. But the guys? Not so sure.
*sigh* I imagine one day, I’ll have it all figured out
Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Mondays? I must have been Garfield in another life – except I don’t go crazy over lasagna.
As I’m writing this, I’m sitting in a patch of sun, looking at blue sky, stealing a few minutes of freedom before heading to work. We had a sunny weekend, which I enjoyed with friends, movies, drinks, going out and dancing, and finally an impromptu barbecue. Life’s not too bad.
Happy Monday everyone!
Popcorn isn’t my only péché mignon. I also love coffee, and when it comes to alcohol I like my vodka straight and cold, thank you very much. At times, both coffee and vodka make me feel so alive. It’s a great feeling, which doesn’t happen every time.
For coffee, it’s often the first in the morning. That one’s necessary to get the day going. Once in a while, it’ll make me feel like running all the way to work; that’s the feeling I’m talking about.
Vodka… Well vodka is a bit of a treacherous alcohol, for me. You’re convinced you aren’t drunk, but oh, you are. The “alive” feeling though usually happens when I’ve only drank a little. A few weeks ago, for instance, I was meeting a friend for drinks and I decided to walk there, it was a half hour walk. Nice weather. I drank one shot of vodka before leaving and the whole way there, I felt like the city belonged to me. I felt good, sexy and very alive. I sometimes get this feeling without the alcohol, but that usually means without feeling sexy as well
Speaking of alcohol, I have a few friends coming over this weekend and I’m inspired: I want to make cocktails into popsicles. Was looking for cocktail recipes online and stumbled upon this idea. I found 3 recipes which really appeal to me and I stopped looking, for fear I’d find a dozen more. Tomorrow morning, I’ll have to go shopping for popsicle molds! But nevermind that, I’ll share one of the recipes so you can make your own, too!
Makes 12 2.5 oz Popsicles
· 8oz. watermelon juice (2 ½ cups chopped watermelon)
· 2 oz fresh lime juice
· 1 oz. simple mint syrup (recipe follows)
· 8 oz. light rum
· 14 oz. club soda
Instructions:
1. Place chopped watermelon in a food processor or blender and process until watermelon is juiced (will be slightly pulpy).
2. Combine watermelon juice, lime juice, mint syrup and rum in a shaker and shake well. Fill popsicle mold 3/4 of the way up with mixture. Fill remaining popsicle mold with club soda and stir to combine.
3. Freeze for about 2 hours or until mixture starts to solidify enough to hold a popsicle stick upright. Insert popsicle sticks and finish freezing popsicles overnight. To release popsicles run hot water on the outside of popsicle molds for a 2-3 seconds.
Mint Syrup
(You will have more syrup than you need. Save for other cocktail uses)
· 1/2 cup water
· 1/2 cups sugar
· 1 cup mint leaves, loosely packed
Instructions:
1. Place sugar and water in a pot over heat until sugar dissolves. Allow mixture to cool to room temperature and place mint leaves in mixture and muddle. Allow mint leaves to steep for 20 minutes. Strain and discard leaves. (Depending on the fine-ness of the sieve tiny pieces may remain).
Ok, so I’ve mentioned I’m back. I was gone most of last week for a work convention, which means I worked almost 20 extra hours in a week. It’s a nice change though, very different from my usual job. I move a lot more and I solve problems, which is gratifying. I really like helping people. When I work at the convention, I find myself smiling a lot. And most of the people I work with are the same, we just want to do everything we can to make others happy. It works, and we do get many good comments after. Good feelings. Almost made me wish I did THIS job all the time.
I seem to have impressed one man in particular, who’d mention how nice I am and how professional, every time I ran into him. Another emailed today to thank me for something I fixed for him. And I got lots of compliments, too. One person said I couldn’t be more than 23, 24 years old. Ah, I suddenly loved this person (I’m 33). We held a formal dinner followed by music and dancing at one point and the next day, one woman stopped me to tell me how pretty I was the night before. So sweet.
So I came back feeling much better. It helped me feel sort of removed from my ex. It lasted a couple of days, then I started feeling a little sad again… But not nearly as much as before. I’m thinking I’m really getting over him. I lost him a few months ago, but now he’s losing me. I know he wouldn’t care but it means something to me.
I was tempted to delete my earlier posts about him. They’re not very cheerful and he’d probably be pissed if he read them. He’s not exactly the most compassionate and understanding person, he just doesn’t get feelings. But I don’t know, it’s how I felt at the time and I am entitled to my feelings. It doesn’t matter if it’s sad, bad, negative, depressing and if nobody understands, it’s still the way I feel. Or it was. I don’t intend on remaining in this funk much longer. I’ve started working out again, actually. I want to finish setting up my apartment, there are a few things left to do. I’m planning a fun evening out dancing with friends next weekend, and in a few weeks I’m going away to visit my family.
I’m even sometimes thinking about what it’d be like to meet someone. Of course, it’s way too soon. But my mind plays with the idea. I’ve mentioned recently how I created a profile on a dating website… I haven’t followed through though, because I realized after it’s a paying site and since I’m not really ready to get involved, what’s the point? Besides that, well I do talk to guys in real life and all, but I think I need an instruction manual for that kind of stuff. How does one know when a man is showing interest?
Alright, I’m cutting this short because I’m babbling. I’m tired and kinda grumpy tonight, too, so I’ll just grab a book and read for a bit.
G’night!
